Codependency and How It Is Healed

Essence and Definition of Codependency

The term “codependency” emerged in the United States during the second half of the 20th century and was initially used in communities working with alcoholism treatment. The concept became widely adopted thanks to the work of therapists in the Minnesota Model, who observed that the loved ones of people with addictions demonstrated similar behavioral patterns. One of the first specialists to formulate the concept in a professional framework was Dr. Tim Menning, and later it was developed and popularized by authors such as Melody Beattie, who brought the topic into contemporary psychotherapy.

Codependency describes a specific type of relationship dynamic characteristic of those close to a person with alcohol or other addictions. These relationships involve a strong imbalance: one partner continuously invests energy and care, while the other mainly receives. The excessive involvement of the first partner inadvertently prevents the resolution of the problem, while the addicted person continues their destructive patterns.

The addicted individual uses a substance or performs a behavior that leads to negative consequences. Although they may be aware of the harm, they cannot stop. The short-term relief they experience drives them to repeat the cycle, and attempts to quit are usually unsuccessful.

The codependent person is the one closest to the addicted individual — a partner, family member, or friend. They also experience a form of dependency, but theirs is directed toward the person rather than the substance. Their behavior becomes controlled by the addict’s behavior, creating a characteristic “bonding” within the relationship.

For clarity, the classic example is often used of a woman living with an alcoholic — a situation that originally helped define the concept. Support groups for relatives of people addicted to alcohol show that addiction affects the entire family system.

Such a partner is aware that the substance use destroys both the addicted person and their shared life. In trying to help, they gradually focus all their attention on the problem, while their own needs disappear from the picture. This leads to continuous repetition of the same painful scenario, keeping both partners trapped in a destructive cycle.

Interesting fact
One of the most fascinating aspects of the development of the codependency theory is that it was initially considered a “problem of the relatives” rather than a psychological phenomenon in itself. Only in the 1980s did therapists begin to realize that codependent patterns could appear outside the context of addiction — in romantic relationships, families with chronically ill members, partnerships with narcissistic personalities, and even parent–child dynamics. This transformed the concept into one of the key ideas in modern relationship psychology.

Emotional Codependency

Codependency can arise even without addiction to substances. In these cases, we refer to emotional codependency — a type of relationship in which one person becomes so emotionally attached to another that their well-being depends on the other person’s behavior, mood, or approval. The other partner does not need to be addicted to alcohol, drugs, or behavior; emotional instability, inconsistency, or constant need for support is enough to activate the codependent pattern.

This type of relationship most often occurs between romantic partners, parents and children, siblings, or close friends. What all these relationships have in common is uneven emotional labor: one person becomes the one who “holds the system together,” while the other is more passive, inconsistent, or needy. Over time, the relationship becomes a one-way flow of emotional, psychological, or practical care.

How Emotional Codependency Manifests

The core of these relationships is that one person unconsciously takes responsibility for the other’s emotions, decisions, and behavior. They begin to compensate, anticipate, soothe, and stabilize — as if they are the caretaker of the entire relationship.

Outwardly, this may look like care or devotion, but internally it maintains a dynamic where:

• the other person’s needs take priority
• personal boundaries become blurred
• individual desires are pushed aside
• self-worth becomes dependent on “being needed”

To avoid conflict, crisis, or abandonment, the codependent person often begins to control or manipulate the situation — not from malice, but from fear. They attempt to “fix” the other, predict their reactions, or limit their behavior so that the relationship remains stable. Paradoxically, the more they try to save their partner, the more they lose their own sense of autonomy.

What Maintains the Pattern

Emotional codependency becomes a self-sustaining cycle:

• The “caregiver” believes the other cannot cope without them.
• The other becomes accustomed to relying on them or avoiding responsibility.

Thus, the relationship is maintained through need, not equality or mature intimacy.

Both remain stuck: one becomes exhausted and loses themselves, and the other never develops the ability to deal with their own difficulties.

Why Emotional Codependency Is So Deceptive

Unlike addiction to substances, which has visible signs, emotional codependency often hides under the idea of love, loyalty, responsibility, or “goodness.” Many people fail to recognize it because it appears as:

“I just care too much.”
“Without me, he/she would fall apart.”
“They need me.”
“If I step back, I will hurt them.”

These beliefs maintain the cycle and make it difficult to break.

How Codependency Develops

Codependency is always tied to a form of emotional dependence that a person unconsciously builds toward others. This dependence rarely forms in adulthood; it usually arises from early childhood experiences. It is there that a child learns what closeness, care, safety, and love mean — and whether these are available unconditionally or only under certain conditions.

When a child grows up in an environment where they must adapt, suppress their needs, or attune to the emotional instability of adults, they develop a survival strategy: to please, to be useful, to be quiet, or to rescue in order to receive closeness. This becomes the foundation of codependency.

It is important to emphasize that addiction in the family is not required for codependency to form. Much more often, the cause is dysfunctional communication dynamics that force the child to take on roles inappropriate for their age.

Situations That Form Codependency

• Controlling, critical, or unpredictable parents
The child becomes hyper-aware of the adult’s moods, developing emotional radar.

• A home where one person dictates the emotional atmosphere
The child adapts to avoid conflict.

• A parent who adopts the role of a victim
The child becomes the “little adult” — comforting, supporting, absorbing burdens.

What Happens to the Child

The child:

• takes on responsibilities that are not theirs
• learns to soothe others instead of being soothed
• believes love must be earned through effort or sacrifice
• erases boundaries out of fear
• loses a sense of self

These patterns become obstacles in adulthood.

The Karpman Drama Triangle

The model (Victim–Rescuer–Persecutor) describes typical unconscious roles people adopt in emotional conflicts. These roles maintain dysfunction rather than resolve it.

Victim

Feels helpless, avoids responsibility, believes nothing will change.

Rescuer

Feels responsible for fixing others, appears supportive but reinforces dependency.

Persecutor

Criticizes, controls, punishes; beneath this lies fear and insecurity. People in codependent families often rotate among these roles, recreating them in future relationships.

Common Traits of the Codependent Person

• Low self-esteem, perfectionism
• Need for approval
• Self-neglect
• Merged identity with the partner
• Blurred boundaries
• Excessive responsibility
• Caretaking and rescuing
• Control and manipulation
• Emotional instability
• Difficulty with intimacy and communication

How Codependency Is Healed

Codependency is healed through:

• awareness of the pattern
• understanding its origin
• inner child work
• rebuilding the sense of self
• setting boundaries
• expressing needs
• releasing rescuing and self-sacrifice
• emotional self-regulation
• assuming responsibility for one’s own emotions
• developing autonomy

Healing is possible and transformative

With love and care,
Petya Bankova