How Can I Make Others Like Me? What Should I Change?

Do You See the World This Way?

Some people perceive their world in rigid, divided categories – liked vs. disliked, success vs. failure.
In reality, the world is far more complex than that.
That’s why the answer to such a question cannot be simple or universal.

If you struggle with the feeling of being “unlikable,” there are many possible reasons that need to be considered before you start making changes.
Unfortunately, the question itself often lacks enough information for anyone to truly understand what the underlying issue is.

Here we return to a key principle of Gestalt therapy:

We cannot understand the meaning of an event without knowing the field from which it emerged.

There are too many possible interpretations.

Does Your Situation Look Like This?

Imagine a simple picture – a drawing of a field that symbolically represents you and your background (what remains unseen).

If you are like the little fawn in this picture, then your youth or lack of life experience could be contributing to your challenges.
Or perhaps you are simply different from the people you wish to connect with.

Two Bunnies – One Fawn.
In the picture there are two bunnies and only one young deer.
Maybe the group’s “standards” are shaped around bunnies, not deer.
In other words – there is nothing wrong with you; you just don’t completely fit into that particular environment.

Or maybe your situation looks more like this:
The people around you might fear you – seeing you not as different but as “intimidating” or “threatening.”

Insufficient Information

To truly understand, we need to know more about:

You: age, gender, appearance, education, goals, interests.
Likability: what makes you believe you’re not liked? What traits or behaviors might others find off-putting?
Others: whom do you want to be liked by? What are their values and criteria? What kind of people do they find likable?

Please Define “Likable.”

There is no single definition.
Different people, at different stages of life and with different goals, perceive “likability” differently.
Someone who is likable to me might not be likable to you – or to the group you want to belong to.

For some, being likable might mean being:

  • cool,

  • wealthy,

  • kind,

  • friendly,

  • funny,

  • highly intelligent.

Reflection

Often, when a person searches for an answer to why they don’t feel “liked,” there is not enough clarity about the context in which this feeling arises.
Without specific information about one’s personal characteristics, experiences, and social environment, it is difficult to draw precise conclusions or offer helpful guidance.

Sometimes this search is driven by an unconscious assumption – the belief that others think as we do and understand our experience without us having to explain it.
This mindset often leads to misunderstanding and a sense of disconnection.

It can be deeply useful to pause and explore the question more consciously – to reflect not only on your own position but also to imagine how it might appear from someone else’s perspective.

Ask Yourself:

  • What am I truly looking for by asking this question?

  • Have I made my question clear enough for others to understand?

  • Can I view my situation through the reader’s or observer’s eyes?

  • Do I see things only from my perspective, or can I sense other points of view?

  • Do I realize that people perceive reality differently – both from me and from each other?

  • After reading this reflection, has my understanding of the issue shifted in any way?

In a Therapeutic Context

This awareness marks the first step toward emotional maturity – realizing that our experience is only one of many perspectives.
When we begin to see reality not only through our own lens but also through the eyes of others, we create space for understanding, empathy, and genuine communication.
This awareness not only helps us feel more understood but also enables us to build meaningful relationships where authenticity and acceptance replace the fear of rejection.

My 5 Steps Toward Being a More Likable Person

1. Start with Self-Acceptance

You can’t truly connect with others if you secretly judge yourself.
Work on your inner dialogue – the way you speak to yourself.
When we are kind and forgiving toward our own imperfections, we naturally extend the same warmth toward others.

Therapy and mindfulness practices help soften the inner critic and build a more stable and compassionate self-image.

2. Practice Curiosity, Not Performance

People love to feel seen.
Instead of worrying about how you appear to others, focus on getting to know them.
Ask gentle questions, listen to what matters to them, and respond with genuine interest.
This creates an emotional bridge – it shifts the energy from “How do I look?” to “How are you?”

3. Express Warmth Through Small Gestures

Smile when you greet people, remember small details, use their names.
Warmth is a nonverbal language – tone of voice, eye contact, presence.
Even in silence, when you’re fully present, you become magnetic.

4. Regulate Your Energy

If your emotions swing between enthusiasm and withdrawal (common among sensitive or empathic people), focus on emotional balance.
Grounding techniques, mindful breathing, and journaling can help you stay centered – people feel safe around steady energy.

5. Be Consistent and Congruent ❤️

Likability grows where people sense integrity.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and act in alignment with your values.
You don’t have to be perfect – just real, open, and kind.

In Essence

Don’t aim to be liked.
Aim to be present, kind, and emotionally aware.
The rest follows naturally.

Source: Adapted from materials by Elinor Greenberg, PhD, author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.
Author: Petya Bankova
With love and care

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9 Myths About Psychotherapy and the Truth Behind Them

(by Petya Bankova, psychologist)

The idea of psychotherapy is still surrounded by many misconceptions. These myths often prevent people from seeking help in time, even though therapy can be the key to deeper self-understanding and a more fulfilling life.
Here are nine of the most common myths about psychotherapy – and the truth behind them.

Myth 1: Psychotherapy is only for people with “serious problems.”

Many believe that only those with mental disorders, severe trauma, or deep crises need therapy. If someone is “just sad” or “feels lost,” they often think it’s not serious enough to ask for help. As a result, people wait for years before they reach out – until their suffering becomes unbearable.

Fact:
Psychotherapy is not only a form of treatment – it’s also a path of personal growth.
People go to therapy to improve their relationships, manage stress, anxiety, burnout, the sense of emptiness, or a loss of direction.
Seeking help doesn’t mean you are “sick”; it means you want a better life.
As Dr. Howes says, “There’s no shame in asking for a better life.”

Myth 2: All therapists just give compliments.

Popular movies often show therapists as endlessly kind and agreeable people who nod and say, “I understand, you’re doing great.” This creates the impression that therapy is simply about receiving reassurance that you’re right.

Fact:
A therapist is not there to applaud you but to walk beside you in the process of awareness and change.
Sometimes therapy can feel challenging or even uncomfortable because it helps you face the truths you’ve been avoiding.
As Howes says: “An applauding therapist makes good television, but not necessarily good therapy.”

Myth 3: Therapists do it only for the money.

There is often skepticism toward helping professions. Some people think therapists profit from human pain.

Fact:
Being a therapist requires years of study, personal therapy, and ongoing supervision. It’s a profession that demands emotional depth, responsibility, and maturity.
Good therapists don’t work out of greed – they work out of a deep motivation to help others.
If a therapist were only in it for the money, clients would feel that immediately. Authenticity is at the heart of this work.

Myth 4: Psychotherapy deals with obvious truths.

Many assume that therapy just repeats what people already know – that we should trust ourselves, forgive, calm down, or “think positive.” This view underestimates the depth of the therapeutic process.

Fact:
Therapy doesn’t deal with general truths but with your personal truth.
The insights you discover in therapy shed light on your own patterns, fears, and experiences – often hidden from awareness.
It’s knowledge that can’t be found in books; it’s discovered through experience.
That’s why therapy doesn’t offer ready-made recipes – it helps you discover yourself.

Myth 5: Therapy is unnecessary if you have friends to talk to.

At first glance, this sounds logical – why pay a therapist if you have close friends to confide in? Friends indeed give love, understanding, and advice, so it may seem like the same thing.

Fact:
Therapy is a unique space, different from friendship.
Friendships are reciprocal – both people share and support each other.
In therapy, the entire focus is on you.
A therapist is trained to recognize deep psychological mechanisms that friends often can’t see, and is bound by confidentiality.
You can express anything in therapy – anger, shame, fear, or grief – without worrying that you’ll hurt or burden the other person.

Myth 6: Therapy is too expensive.

The price of a session often seems high, especially when compared to daily expenses. Many believe that therapy is a luxury only for the wealthy.

Fact:
In Bulgaria, session prices usually range between 40 and 100 leva, and many therapists adjust their fees according to the client’s financial situation.
It’s essential to view therapy not as an expense, but as an investment in your quality of life.
Therapy improves emotional health, relationships, work performance, self-respect, and even physical well-being.
As Howes asks, “How much do you spend every year on things that help you live a better life?”
Therapy is exactly that kind of investment.

Myth 7: A therapist can help only if they’ve been through the same thing.

This belief comes from the idea that only someone who’s “been there” can truly understand. People often think a therapist must have personally experienced loss, addiction, or trauma to be effective.

Fact:
A professional therapist doesn’t need to have lived the same experience – they need to understand the psychological processes behind it.
Empathy, education, and clinical experience allow them to support you without being entangled in your story.
Sometimes, it’s precisely the therapist’s inner distance that makes change possible.
They are a mirror, not a participant.

Myth 8: Psychotherapy is for weak people who lack willpower.

In many cultures, we’re taught that strong people “handle things on their own.” Admitting you need help can feel like a failure or weakness.

Fact:
In reality, seeking help takes courage and maturity.
Everyone faces difficult moments, and there’s no shame in asking for support.
True strength is not in pretending to cope alone, but in being aware enough to care for yourself.
Therapy is an act of responsibility, not helplessness.

Myth 9: Therapists become therapists to solve their own problems.

Some believe that people choose this profession because they have unresolved issues and want to “heal through others.”

Fact:
In every serious psychotherapy training, personal therapy is mandatory.
Yes, many therapists are drawn to the field because they have gone through their own struggles – but that gives them depth and compassion.
The difference is that they have worked through their issues, allowing them to be a stable and present support for others.
The therapist is the main instrument in therapy – and if that instrument isn’t tuned, it can’t help anyone.

Psychotherapy is not a luxury, a weakness, or a last resort – it’s a conscious choice of self-care and awareness.
It’s a space where you can be heard, seen, and understood just as you are.
And sometimes, being truly seen is the beginning of real change.

“Change begins the moment a person dares to be seen.”

✨ With love and care,
Petya Bankova
Psychologist and a person who believes in the healing power of the meeting between two human beings.

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What Anxiety Feels Like From the Inside By Petya Bankova

If you live with the feeling that something isn’t right – even when everything looks fine on the outside – you’re not alone.

Many people, regardless of age, profession or circumstances, live with an experience that’s hard to explain but even harder to endure: constant anxiety.

It’s that inner noise that never stops.
That tight knot in the chest.
The thoughts that don’t quiet down even in the middle of the night.
The exhaustion of being on alert – even when there’s nothing to fear.

But anxiety isn’t a life sentence. It’s a signal.
And when we learn to listen to it – instead of fearing or hating it – we can do something far more powerful than “get rid of it”:
we can reclaim our lives.

What Is Constant Anxiety?

Constant anxiety – often referred to as generalized anxiety – is not just a state of temporary stress.
It’s the background noise that colors every part of the day.
Sometimes it becomes so fused with us that we stop noticing it’s even there.
It feels like a shadow, a tension, a vague sense that something bad might happen.

It can show up as:

  • excessive worry about yourself or your loved ones;

  • thoughts that won’t stop spinning;

  • a constant need to be in control;

  • the feeling that you’re not really “here,” but in a threatening version of the future;

  • physical symptoms: insomnia, body tension, dizziness, shallow breathing, a sense of suffocation.

But before you feel overwhelmed by this description, I want you to know one essential thing:

This state is human. It’s understandable. And it can be changed.
You don’t have to adapt to it. You can learn to take back your power.

How Anxiety Feels from the Inside

You may recognize yourself in some of the following.
These are not diagnoses – they are mirrors that help us understand what’s really going on.

Excessive thinking. Constantly.
Your mind never shuts off. You replay scenarios, plan for everything that could go wrong, worry about what you said or didn’t say. Sometimes even at 3 a.m., your mind is still at work.

Anxiety without a clear reason.
You feel something’s wrong – but you can’t name what. It’s like an invisible cloud follows you around, whether you’re at the stove or at your desk.

Your body speaks.
Insomnia. Tightness in the chest. Dizziness. Irregular breathing. Heart palpitations. Cold hands and feet. Often – a sensation that something bad is about to happen, without an actual reason.

Constant expectation of danger.
Instead of resting in the moment, your mind is filled with “What if…?”:
“What if something happens?” “What if I fail?” “What if I get sick?” “What if I lose everything?”

A strong need for control.
You want everything to be predictable and safe – because inside you feel unsafe. And when something goes out of your control, the anxiety spikes.

Oversensitivity to chaos and uncertainty.
Even small things – a delay, a loud noise, a change of plans – can cause stress or even panic.

Sleep that isn’t restful.
Either you can’t fall asleep, or you wake up suddenly – already caught in anxious thoughts. The day begins before the sun rises – with a tired mind and tense body.

And here’s something many anxious people do:
They hide it.
They smile.
They function.
Sometimes, they seem incredibly strong.
But inside… they’re just barely holding on.

Why Anxiety Doesn’t Just Go Away on Its Own

Anxiety isn’t just a “bad habit” or “negative thinking.”
It’s a response from a system that’s been stuck in survival mode for too long.

Imagine it like an alarm system that has become oversensitive – even when there’s no real danger, it still rings.

Here are the most common mechanisms that keep anxiety alive:

1. A mind that won’t stop

Your thoughts go in loops. They exaggerate the future, interpret uncertainty as threat. And the more you try to shut them down, the stronger they come back.
Why? Because an anxious mind isn’t seeking peace – it’s seeking control.

2. A body in “fight or flight”

When the mind is anxious, the body reacts as if real danger is present: fast heartbeat, shallow breath, muscle tension.
Over time, this becomes your “new normal.”
And real rest becomes almost impossible.

3. Insomnia → more anxiety → more insomnia

One of the most common vicious cycles.
You can’t fall asleep because the mind won’t stop.
You wake up exhausted and hypersensitive to stress.
And the cycle repeats.

4. Emotional exhaustion

Anxiety often isn’t triggered by a single event, but by years of ignored emotions: fears, trauma, over-responsibility, constant adapting to others.
When those feelings stay buried, the body starts speaking through symptoms.

5. A need to control everything

Control gives the illusion of safety. But life by nature is unpredictable.
And when things don’t go your way – panic arises.
That’s why many anxious people are perfectionists: for a brief moment, perfection feels like safety.

6. Exhaustion from over-functioning

Many people with chronic anxiety are high-functioning to the extreme.
They work, care for others, smile, achieve.
But inside, they’re depleted.
They don’t rest – because they don’t believe they’re allowed to.

What Really Helps – and How to Begin

The most important thing I want you to know:

Anxiety is not your identity. It’s a state. And states can change.

Even if you’ve lived with it for years.

Healing isn’t instant. It doesn’t happen with one quote or one session.
But it begins – with understanding, with care, and with small, steady steps.

 Proven and Compassionate Ways to Work with Anxiety

1. Psychotherapy – a space where anxiety begins to shift

In therapy, anxiety isn’t suppressed. It’s explored.
We look at when it appeared, what sustains it, what it might be trying to protect you from.

And most importantly – what lived experience lies underneath it:
fear, loss, unmet needs, lack of direction, over-adaptation.

It’s not about techniques – it’s about having a safe space where you no longer have to fight alone, and can start truly hearing yourself.

In my practice, I often work with:

  • tension-release techniques (e.g., progressive muscle relaxation, paradoxical release);

  • uncovering thinking patterns that maintain anxiety;

  • emotional processing and letting go;

  • somatic (body-based) approaches.

2. The body as a door to calm: breath, movement, regulation

Anxiety isn’t just in your mind – it’s in your breath, muscles, and nervous system.

That’s why effective methods include:

  • Progressive muscle relaxation – proven to help with sleep, headaches, and anxiety disorders.

  • Slow diaphragmatic breathing – signals safety directly to the nervous system.

  • Bioenergetic breathing – deeper body-based practice to release blocked energy (best done with guidance).

  • Gentle movement – even a 20-minute walk can shift your inner state.

3. Meditation and presence – not as a technique, but a state

You don’t have to be a yogi to meditate.
Meditation is simply an invitation to be with what is – without fleeing or fixing it.

Just 10–15 minutes a day (even guided audio) can:

  • improve sleep,

  • reduce stress,

  • bring you back to the body and the now.

4. Gentle support – herbs, rituals, care

Some people find relief through:

  • herbal tinctures (like lemon balm, valerian, passionflower),

  • warm baths before sleep,

  • soothing teas,

  • calming music (alpha waves, nature sounds),

  • evening rituals without screens.

⚠️ Medication can also have its place – especially when anxiety is overwhelming.
But without therapy, it often just covers the symptom without addressing the message beneath it.

5. Yoga, Tai Chi, Qi Gong – ancient rhythms for modern minds

These aren’t just physical exercises.
They are practices of attention, movement, and reconnection with the body.
When approached with presence, they can be profoundly calming and grounding.

Every person is different. Every path must be personal.

There’s no universal formula for healing anxiety.
What works for one person might not work for another.

That’s why I believe in personal, respectful, therapeutic work.
To truly hear your story – and find the unique door to your calm.

And yes – it’s possible.

It’s possible to sleep peacefully.
To wake up without a tight chest.
To have a mind that works with you, not against you.

This isn’t a luxury.
It’s a human right.

If you feel it’s time for change – not because you “should,” but because the inner noise has become too loud – know that there’s a way.

I work with people who live with constant anxiety.
I know the fear, the fatigue, and the resistance firsthand.
And I also know what life looks like on the other side.

If you wish – I can walk with you on this path.
At your pace.
Without pressure.
With respect.
With understanding.

Because a life with less anxiety is a life with more freedom.
And that freedom isn’t just possible. It’s deserved.

With love and care,
Petya Bankova

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When Life Begins Too Early: The Psycho-Emotional Reality of Parents of Premature Babies

Introduction: The World You Don’t Choose

No one imagines becoming the parent of a premature baby. No one dreams that the first embrace will be replaced by beeping machines, that the first photos will be taken in the intensive care unit, that the first prayer will not be for joy, but for survival.

I have stood beside the incubator and felt time stop. I have breathed in fear with every breath my child took. I have listened to every word of the doctor with a heart breaking apart. And I have known that painful distance – wanting to be close, but feeling far away, separated by glass, by gloves, and by my own terror.

And I want to tell you right from the start: you are not alone. What you feel – guilt, anxiety, confusion, isolation – is not your weakness. It is a normal human response to an unbearably heavy situation.

The Psychological Trauma of Premature Birth

From a psychotherapeutic perspective, premature birth is a traumatic event – sudden, unexpected, and associated with the threat of death.

Research in neonatal psychology shows that:

  • Mothers of premature babies have an increased risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – nightmares, intrusive thoughts, constant anxiety.

  • Fathers often develop hidden depression and heightened irritability, which remain unnoticed because their social role expects them to be “the strong ones.”

  • Levels of anxiety among parents of premature babies are many times higher than those of parents of full-term babies.

This is not just a “difficult start.” It is a shock that changes the way you perceive the world and yourself.

Guilt: The Inner Judge

I clearly remember those first days – that thought that wouldn’t let me rest: “Am I to blame?”

How could I allow this to happen? My body failed – it betrayed me. Was I too stressed, too busy, too… everything?

Guilt is like an inner judge who never stops accusing you. Even when the doctors said, “There is nothing you could have done. This just happens,” the inner voice insisted: “You failed.”

Guilt in parents of premature babies is a well-documented phenomenon. It is part of the traumatic reaction – the mind searching for a cause to restore the illusion of control. Because if the guilt is mine, then I have an answer. If it is just chance – then I am powerless.

But the truth is that in the vast majority of cases, premature birth has nothing to do with any mistake by the mother or father. These are complex medical and biological processes that cannot be predicted or prevented.

Anxiety: Living in Constant Readiness

Anxiety was my constant companion. I listened to every sound from the machines. If the monitor beeped – my heart stopped. If my baby’s breathing changed – panic. I slept with the phone next to me, even when I was at home.

And the worst part – I couldn’t relax even in the good moments. Even when the doctors said: “There is improvement,” I thought: “Yes, but tomorrow it could change.” I was terrified to say that I had given birth. I had decided that until I was told my baby was safe, I would not tell anyone.

Parents of premature babies live in a state of constant anxiety. Every update from the doctor, every monitor reading, every breath of the baby can shake them or give them hope.

Scientific data show that:

  • Levels of anxiety among parents of premature babies are up to three times higher compared to parents of full-term babies.

  • Many mothers and fathers report somatic symptoms – insomnia, panic attacks, tightness in the chest.

  • Even after discharge, anxiety may persist for years – every cold or fever can feel like a potential danger.

Anxiety also has a protective function – it keeps the parent alert and ready. But when it becomes chronic, it exhausts and turns the joy of parenthood into a constant state of readiness for disaster.

This is hypervigilance – one of the symptoms of trauma. The psyche lives in permanent anticipation of danger. For parents of premature babies, this anxiety often continues long after discharge. Every sneeze, every cough can feel like a signal of catastrophe.

Normalizing anxiety is important. It is not proof that something is wrong with you – it is proof that you love, that you fight, that you are finely attuned to your child.

Isolation: “We Are Not Like the Others”

When my friends posted photos of happy babies at home, I didn’t know if I could share a photo of mine – surrounded by tubes, with a tiny oxygen mask.

I felt like I lived in a parallel world. In my world, joy and fear coexisted, but those around me could not understand. Some said: “Don’t worry, everything will be fine.” Others exaggerated the drama. And I just needed someone to be there with me and endure the silence.

Socially, parents of premature babies often fall into isolation. They cannot take part in the typical joys of other families – first walks, gatherings, photo sessions. The photos from the intensive care unit look different – instead of a smiling baby, parents see a small body surrounded by machines and tubes.

This creates a sense of “otherness” that is hard to share. Friends and relatives often don’t know how to react.

Isolation is one of the strongest psycho-emotional factors for parents of premature babies. They often feel “different,” “excluded from normal life.” This feeling can lead to social withdrawal and depression.

This is why support groups are so important – when you hear another parent say: “I’ve been through this too,” suddenly the world feels less lonely.

Bonding with the Baby: Love Through Glass

I remember the first time I was allowed to place my hand on my baby’s chest. So fragile, so tiny, and yet the heartbeat pulsed with unimaginable strength.

In that moment, I realized – our bond was there. Even through the machines, even through the fear, even through the glass. My baby somehow heard me and responded.

Parents often cannot hold their baby immediately. Touch is limited. Skin-to-skin contact is a dream that comes later. Bonding is fundamental to the child’s development, and many parents fear that they “won’t be able to build a connection.”

But research shows that the bond still forms:

  • Psychological studies demonstrate that kangaroo care – skin-to-skin contact, even for minutes – reduces stress in both the child and the parent.

  • The baby recognizes the voice of the mother and father even in intensive care, and it has a soothing effect.

  • Small rituals – singing, praying, leaving a stuffed animal with the parent’s scent – build an invisible bridge of closeness.

This is love through glass – but it is real and transformative. Bonding is not destroyed – it is tested.

Premature baby born in the 28th week of pregnancy lies on Papa’s chest and raises one hand

How to Cope? Practical Guidance

  1. Name your feelings. Guilt, anxiety, anger – they are all normal. When we name them, they lose some of their power.

  2. Seek support. Talking to a loved one, a therapist, or joining a support group for parents of premature babies can ease isolation.

  3. Create small rituals. Speak to your baby, leave a song, keep a journal. These create a thread of connection.

  4. Take care of yourself. I know it sounds impossible, but your resilience is oxygen for your child.

  5. Live day by day. The bigger picture may frighten you, but small victories each day build strength.

Conclusion: Hope

Being the parent of a premature baby means being thrown into a battle you never wanted. But this battle also brings out strength you never knew you had.

I have walked this path.
I know its darkness, its loneliness, its terror. But I also know its light – that moment when you hold your child and realize that everything you went through has brought you back to each other with an even deeper love.

And I want to leave you with this: your child feels your heart. Even through the glass, even through the fear, even when you yourself doubt. That love is the truest gift you can give.

And it is enough.

With love,
Petya Bankova

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Does Borderline Personality Disorder belong in the same category as narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy, or should it be grouped with trauma-related conditions such as Complex PTSD and PTSD?

As a practicing psychologist in Bulgaria, I often see this question arise — not only from clients, but even among professionals. The confusion largely comes from the fact that diagnostic systems vary. The DSM, widely used in the US, and the ICD, more common in Europe, do not always classify disorders in the same way.

In my work, I draw on a developmental and psychodynamic understanding of personality, incorporating object relations theory and the concept of the self. My approach has been influenced by the work of James F. Masterson, while also integrating elements from Gestalt therapy and modern trauma-informed practices.

How Masterson grouped personality disorders

In his framework, there are three main personality disorders that respond well to psychotherapy:

  1. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

  2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder

  3. Schizoid Personality Disorder

Psychopathy and sociopathy were not included in this group — not because they don’t exist, but because they generally require different strategies, and the evidence for success with standard psychodynamic approaches is limited.

The role of trauma in personality disorders

Most individuals with personality disorders have some history of early emotional or relational trauma. However, this does not make BPD a trauma disorder in the strict diagnostic sense.

Example:
A woman with BPD may have grown up in an emotionally inconsistent or neglectful home. This shaped her sense of self and her relationships long before any specific traumatic event occurred. Later in life, she might experience something acutely traumatic — such as sexual assault — which could worsen her symptoms. Yet the foundation of the personality disorder was laid in early childhood.

How trauma disorders differ

  • Personality disorders emerge during the formative years of personality development, usually in early childhood.

  • Trauma disorders (PTSD, CPTSD) can develop at any age following one or more traumatic events.

It’s possible for someone to have both, but one does not automatically cause the other.

Why this distinction matters

A diagnosis is not a label — it’s a tool for identifying the most effective treatment.

  • BPD often benefits from deep psychodynamic therapy, sometimes alongside structured approaches like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

  • PTSD and CPTSD require trauma-specific interventions, such as EMDR, somatic experiencing, or trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Final note

Borderline Personality Disorder belongs in the same group as other treatable personality disorders, such as narcissistic and schizoid personality disorders. While trauma often plays a role in its development, BPD is not the same as a trauma disorder. Clear differentiation helps ensure that clients receive the kind of therapy that can truly address their needs.

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Premature Birth: A Mother’s True Story and How to Find Support

When You Meet Your Baby Before You’re Ready

Like most expectant mothers, I painted my pregnancy in soft pastels. I pictured a calm, glowing journey that would end exactly as I’d dreamed — joyful tears, a tiny body curled against mine, the intoxicating scent of newborn skin, and the first precious moments of our life together.

But fate doesn’t always knock before entering. Sometimes, it storms in, rearranging every neatly laid plan.

My daughter decided to arrive at 31 weeks.

We left the maternity ward with empty arms — no tiny bundle to cradle on the way home. Instead, I carried my hospital bag and a breast pump. In my chest there was only emptiness, fear, and a silent prayer I didn’t even have words for.

Her place was not in my arms, but in the neonatal intensive care unit — surrounded by machines that kept her alive, alongside other tiny warriors who had also arrived far too soon.

In that ward, babies weren’t simply born — battles were fought.

And we were in one.

The ache of not being able to hold your child when you most need to feel them alive is not something you can explain. You live it. You count endless minutes heavy with fear and guilt — and yet, somehow, with hope. That fragile body behind the incubator becomes your whole world. And all you can do is wait, and pray.

The journey after discharge is nothing like the glossy pages of baby magazines.

It isn’t filled with balloons, strolls in the park, and first family portraits. It’s filled with questions.
Endless questions.

Should I take her to a neurologist? Which therapies are right? How do I feed her? Should I vaccinate? When? How?

The internet is a sea of opinions, and you are left to navigate it alone. Yes, there is a baby in your home — but in your heart, there’s a vast landscape of uncertainty.

Premature birth is not just a medical term.
It’s a life-altering experience that reshapes you from the inside out.

In those months, I realized how much I longed for a place to meet others like me. To cry without judgment. To laugh without guilt. To ask my questions without shame. To share my fear without being told what to do — but simply to be heard.

Years passed. My daughter grew into a brave, bright soul. But the scars of those early days run deep, even if they are invisible. And they still echo when I remember.

When you’ve been through a premature birth, the thought of another child isn’t just a new hope — it can be a new fear.

Then, it happened. I was pregnant again.
The first thing I felt was not joy, but panic.

“No! I can’t go through this again!”

Fear gripped me. Anger bubbled up. Shame whispered that I should have “been more careful.” The months that followed were full of check-ups, therapies, tests, and constant anxiety. But this time, there was something different — the quiet knowledge that I was no longer the woman who had left the hospital with empty arms.

I had grown.
And I was ready to reach for the hands of others walking that same uncertain road.

Today, I am a psychologist. And I know there is no encounter more sacred than standing before a frightened mother or a weary father and saying:

“I understand. You are not alone. We can walk through this together.”

If you are reading these words and your heart aches because you see your own story in mine…
If you still haven’t forgiven yourself…
If every worry about your child comes with a wave of guilt or a knot of fear…
If you sometimes wonder whether you are “enough” because your start wasn’t the one you imagined…

Come.

My door is open. And here, you will find not only a therapist, but someone who has stood exactly where you are now.

With love and understanding,
Petya Bankova
Psychologist & Mother of a Premature Baby

P.S. And here she is — my little warrior, all grown up.

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